These next two months are going to be difficult ones. First is our anniversary, which is the 22nd. Thirty years. Thirty years ago I would never have believed that I would be alone now. You couldn't have convinced me that my husband would have walked out of my life and into someone else’s. I still cannot wrap my head around the whole thing.
Thanksgiving is coming up soon. His family always gets together and has their Christmas then. I will not be a part of it this year. Although I never felt accepted by most of his family, I have been a member of it for thirty years. Now, since he no longer wants me to be part of his life, I am no longer a part of his family. That means I have also lost a "mother-in-love", a woman I dearly love and respect.
My parents are shells of the people they were. Alzheimer's is a cruel disease that steals your loved ones and leaves living bodies without much of the soul left behind. I feel very much an orphan. Where do you go when you have no one left to turn to? Yes, I have my children, but they need me to be the strong one and the head of the family now. That position has been vacated and the family is floundering. I have not been in shape to lead anyone. My heart is broken and the loneliness is overwhelming. I have been struggling; trying not to drown in the hurt and anguish of the circumstances. That has to change.
Next month is Christmas. There is no joy and celebration felt in my heart. Nevertheless, life goes on and you live through what you don't feel you can withstand. We have no choice in that. We have a choice in how we live through it. Because of the changes God brought about in me I react differently these days. I am profoundly sad and lonely, but I am not filled with anger and bitterness. I am not curled up in a ball in bed and wanting to die. I am not non-functioning; low-functioning maybe, but I am not giving up. No, the old Trish is gone and the new heart God has given me has made me a different person.
I am forgiven and renewed! I will hold up my head because my Lord will lift it up. I will walk through each day in faith, because my Lord is faithful. I will cry for a few moments when I can't hold back the tears, and then I will lift my face to my Lord who will dry my tears. He walks with me each day so that I can put one foot in front of the other. I will continue to start and end each day in his presence. I will look for signs of hope and encouragement. I will try to remember how much I have to be thankful for, instead of only looking at the one thing I don’t have right now. Faith and love are actions, so I will be active and move through this season. I know that my Lord will bring joy into my life and make this time much more than I can see right now. I will make the effort to live and he will bless that effort like he did the fishes and loaves. He will take my weak attempts and, as he turned water into wine, he will turn it into something much better. And that is something well worth being thankful for!
