Thoughts of the Holidays

These next two months are going to be difficult ones. First is our anniversary, which is the 22nd. Thirty years. Thirty years ago I would never have believed that I would be alone now. You couldn't have convinced me that my husband would have walked out of my life and into someone else’s. I still cannot wrap my head around the whole thing.

Thanksgiving is coming up soon. His family always gets together and has their Christmas then. I will not be a part of it this year. Although I never felt accepted by most of his family, I have been a member of it for thirty years. Now, since he no longer wants me to be part of his life, I am no longer a part of his family. That means I have also lost a "mother-in-love", a woman I dearly love and respect.

My parents are shells of the people they were. Alzheimer's is a cruel disease that steals your loved ones and leaves living bodies without much of the soul left behind. I feel very much an orphan. Where do you go when you have no one left to turn to? Yes, I have my children, but they need me to be the strong one and the head of the family now. That position has been vacated and the family is floundering. I have not been in shape to lead anyone. My heart is broken and the loneliness is overwhelming. I have been struggling; trying not to drown in the hurt and anguish of the circumstances. That has to change.

Next month is Christmas. There is no joy and celebration felt in my heart. Nevertheless, life goes on and you live through what you don't feel you can withstand. We have no choice in that. We have a choice in how we live through it. Because of the changes God brought about in me I react differently these days. I am profoundly sad and lonely, but I am not filled with anger and bitterness. I am not curled up in a ball in bed and wanting to die. I am not non-functioning; low-functioning maybe, but I am not giving up. No, the old Trish is gone and the new heart God has given me has made me a different person.

I am forgiven and renewed! I will hold up my head because my Lord will lift it up. I will walk through each day in faith, because my Lord is faithful. I will cry for a few moments when I can't hold back the tears, and then I will lift my face to my Lord who will dry my tears. He walks with me each day so that I can put one foot in front of the other. I will continue to start and end each day in his presence. I will look for signs of hope and encouragement. I will try to remember how much I have to be thankful for, instead of only looking at the one thing I don’t have right now. Faith and love are actions, so I will be active and move through this season. I know that my Lord will bring joy into my life and make this time much more than I can see right now. I will make the effort to live and he will bless that effort like he did the fishes and loaves. He will take my weak attempts and, as he turned water into wine, he will turn it into something much better. And that is something well worth being thankful for!

Prayer

My prayer life has radically changed over the last several months. I've learned much. It has changed my relationship with my Lord....or maybe the change in my relationship taught me about prayer?

"Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name." Psalm 100:4

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4: 16

When we enter into prayer it should be with thanksgiving and praise. Recognize who He is, all that He has done, and thank and praise Him for it. Then you may draw nearer to the throne and pour out your heart to Him.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

Do not let fear and doubt hinder you. Do not let your circumstances control you. This is a lack of faith. Satan has come to steal, kill and destroy. He is the father of lies and confusion. He wants to steal, kill and destroy your love, your blessings, your faith, your marriage, your family, - your very soul.

In Hebrews chapter 10 and verse 38 it says:

"But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him."

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

It is impossible to please God without faith. You can start with the tiniest little bit of faith. As you use it, like a muscle it will increase in size and strength. The Bible tells us with faith as small a mustard seed we can move mountains into the sea! Believe in Him. Trust in His love and mercy that endures forever. He is faithful; you can count on Him. He is not a man that can lie to you. He is the Almighty God and Father that loves you and gave His Son for you. He cares about every little detail of your life. He knows your heart and your thoughts. He says to give Him our burdens and let Him carry them for us. Pour out your heart to Him like you would a girlfriend. But don't tell everything to your girlfriend. She may care about you, but she is not the King of the Universe. She can't change your situation. In fact, she may unintentionally lead you astray. If you need convincing, just look at Job and his friends. The only one that can truly help you is your Lord.

Sometimes the words just don't seem to come. We feel so much but can't seem to put words to what is going on inside. Or maybe you feel like you've said everything you know to say but it isn't enough. Our Lord understands us and has already made provision for this.

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." Romans 8: 26-27

Remember when the Lord was tempted by Satan? He didn't engage him in conversation but answered everything with scripture. Don't give Satan any attention or glory by engaging in conversation with him. Use the power of God's word. When you pray, pray scripture. When you do this you are speaking God's word over your own life and releasing the truth that God has already spoken! You are changing your thinking, which may be negative, and are renewing your mind with the word of God. You begin thinking in a powerful new way as the mind of Christ is being activated in you. You can have confidence and faith in your prayers because you are praying the words of the Father; you are in agreement with Him. "my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." Isaiah 5:11

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16–18

We must not give up praying. We must persevere in prayer, realizing that faith is always working towards what we ask for while we wait. Our timing isn't the same as God's. We feel like we have lost control when we are forced to wait on the Lord. Well, think about it. Are we really in control?  God is in control and we should be glad. He looks at the whole picture. He sees the end from the beginning. He looks at our prayers with His purpose for us in mind. Sometimes He tests our sincerity or refuses because of harm it could cause us. We may need to change something in our lives to ready ourselves for what He is about to do. Or it could be another person or situation that needs to be changed before He can answer. "For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." 1 John 3: 20

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8: 28

Luke 18:1-8 

The Parable of the Persistent Widow 

Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. He said: "In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, 'Grant me justice against my adversary.' 

"For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I don't fear God or care about men, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!' " 

And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"

Pray with joy and thanksgiving and praise. Pray with faith and persistence. Be patient and still in your spirit, knowing that He is God and is in control. Know that we are His children and He cares for us.

"Now then, stand still and see this great thing the LORD is about to do before your eyes!" 1 Samuel 12: 16

Anticipation

I don't know about you, but sometimes I have this feeling inside of anticipation. It's a feeling of the possibility that something significant is about to happen. God says in the Bible, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Is. 43: 18-19

We used to sing a praise song that said, "God will make a way where there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me. He will be my guide, hold me closely to His side. With love and strength for each new day, He will make a way, He will make a way. By a roadside in the wilderness He'll lead me. And rivers in the desert will I see. Heaven and earth will fade, but His word will still remain. He will do something new today."

My heart is encouraged because He has heard my prayers and listened to my cries. He has held me closely to His side and has given me love and strength for each day; otherwise, I could not have withstood the hurt and rejection, lonliness and fear that I have experienced over the last few months. But please, don't think I have this super faith or that I am strong. I am really quite weak. I have cried out to God in anguish and yes, even anger and bitterness. But the Lord is strong, and patient. He understands my human weaknesses; the pain and the sorrow in my heart. I feel safe to go to Him and pour it all out. I don't have to be eloquent or even make alot of sense! Thankfully, the Spirit speaks when we don't have the words to express what is in our hearts.

I feel so grateful that He loves us enough to put up with us. I understand better now how much our rejection of Him must wound His heart. I understand more about unconditional love as He has taught me to show this to my husband. Something good has come from this. Since "all things work together for good for them that love Him," I am sure more good is to come.

I feel a lull in the storm. It's like the clouds are starting to part. I am not saying the storm is over. On the contrary, I won't be surprised if there are still many dark storm clouds yet to pass, but I believe the worst of the storm is over. Or at the very least, something is changing. Now, I will be still in my spirit and know that He is God, and He is in control. What a relief! I am glad the past is in the past, and I am excited to see this "new thing" that is coming.
 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer. 29: 11

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way
By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today
From: http://www.musicbabylon.com/From: http://www.musicbabylon.com/

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way
By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today
From: http://www.musicbabylon.com/From: http://www.musicbabylon.com/

Love is a verb

I've been thinking a great deal about love lately. This is due to my current life circumstances. My husband of 30 years has left me saying he no longer has any feelings for me.

This is called apathy.

Apathy is lack of emotion, lack of interest, lack of active participation.

Apathy is a noun, there is no action.

Love is a verb because it requires action.

In the beginning of a relationship, we 'fall in love' - feelings, and then we do loving actions. Your feelings inspire your actions. This “love” is primarily physical and will not last as it alone cannot sustain a relationship.

Mature love is both a feeling and an action. The actions create that wonderful feeling. When the actions stop, the wonderful feeling will be replaced with pain.

This is when many, perhaps more shallow people will give up and turn to someone else. It is easier to blame the other person and look for someone new to fill the need than it is to put forth the effort on your relationship. Perhaps if you have “lost that loving feeling” it is because there are no active efforts on your part.

If you choose loving actions first, your feelings will follow.

You don't jog 5 miles and eat a restricted diet because you feel healthy. You feel healthy because of those actions.

You don’t start feeling better and then take your medicine. You take your medicine and then you start to feel better.

If you have no loving feelings and instead feel apathy towards someone you once loved, take action.

 Show love to this person. Pray for God to bless them. Think of little things you can do which will mean something to them. Make sure it is something they will like not something you would like. Try to think of something that would evoke a special memory from the past. It need not be anything elaborate, costly, or overly involved. After all, you don’t feel like doing anything right now. But it only takes small steps to change things.

These small efforts along with connecting through touch and talk will change your thinking and your "feelings".

Make it a point to use loving touches two or three times a day. Actually try to focus on the touch transferring positive, good feelings. It may be taking their hand or touching their arm or shoulder in a comforting or caring way. It could be something more, like a back or foot massage.

Make a few minutes two or three times a day to let this person know that you are thinking of them or to really listen to them. It may just be a quick call to say, "Hi I was thinking about you and wondered how your day is." It may be 10 or 15 minutes to listen to them talk about something they are excited about or worried about.

What we devote our thoughts and actions to will create feelings. Soon you will start to feel differently. It will be slowly, over time, but it will surely happen.

This is what God did for me. I have always loved my husband , but not always had loving feelings towards him.  I started showing him love like I did in the beginning and before I knew it, I had "fallen in love" with  him again. Since then, God has been teaching me to show him unconditional love.

This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. When someone has no feelings for you, they can be very cold and cruel. It is extremely difficult to let go of offense and show them love, knowing you aren't going to get anything in return.

I try to remember that this must be what our Heavenly Father feels like with us. I thank Him and praise Him for His mercy, grace and love.

Hello world!

I have no idea that anyone will ever really see this, let alone read it. I personally have happened upon sites at times that have changed my life...or at the very least my thinking, so who knows?

These musings are about my life; my feelings, my faith...and sometimes, I fear, my lack thereof. Hopefully, something I write might be helpful to someone else. 

I am a work in progress. 

I do not always get things right, but I am learning, and growing, and with God's help, changing into something pleasing to Him.