I felt I should back up a little, since I left out the last 5 months. The children and I moved the first of September. I was worried about how they would adjust, and about us being alone, I needn't have. When will I learn; if you are following God's plan for you then it will be alright?

The move itself was not a good experience. The movers lost or broke a good portion of our things, of course the most expensive things. One daughter lost her entire wardrobe. All of the accessories to their video gaming system and all their games were lost. A box containing all of my jewelry and some of my daughters' was also 'lost' in transition. To top it off we lived in a totally empty house for a week before they managed to deliver what was left of our things. But enough complaining.

The place God allowed us to rent (from pics on the Internet) is wonderful. It isn't large by any means. It is smaller, but so cozy and homey feeling. The location is out a little from town, but in a pleasant neighborhood, and the half-acre yard is very nice. The air is fresh and you can see the stars in the night sky. It is peaceful and comforting and like medicine for my soul. My city girl was a little freaked by the country, at first. She couldn't believe there was so much space without people. Happily, after being here a few weeks she started coming around. In fact, she came in one night after a spending the afternoon and evening on a farm back off to itself, declaring that we should live somewhere like that!

The kids love their new schools and feel like the people are friendlier here. Which of course, I think they are. For the most part people here are just good, down-to-earth people and relatively accepting. Quite the change from some places we have lived.


We made our first church visit the second week we were here. The plan was to check out different churches and decide where we liked and felt the most comfortable. Then we would chose from those options. Well, that was the plan anyway. We walked into church that morning and into something different than we had ever experienced. This church had been praying for two years for a move of God. He showed up. They were in their 13th week of revival at that time. It went on for another 6 weeks. 
I asked the kids about visiting another church the next week. They unanimously agreed they didn't want to go somewhere else, they wanted to stay there. Obviously, we stayed. Three months later we joined the church.


I truly believe it was God's plan for us to come here when we did, live where we are living, and for us to go to that church during the revival. We have had peace here. I am making friends at church and getting involved there. I am growing so much spiritually, and I know there is more to come. I am full of anticipation and expectancy.

 "For I know the plans I have for you, plans for good, not for harm; plans for hope and a future."

"The joy of the Lord is my strength!"

A week ago Sunday was a great day! I couldn't explain it, but I felt different that morning. I didn't get to my devotions that morning, and I was running late leaving for church. As usual the traffic was frustrating and I started to complain. Then I just stopped and said, "Shut up, Trish! Stop your complaining." I immediately felt less stressful. Then, suddenly, the road before me just opened up! The traffic just sort of parted like the Red Sea! We wound up arriving at the church a few minutes before it started. Praise and worship was incredible. I felt such love and peace and joy and I praised God!

My faith felt so strong and I felt so encouraged. It was like God had reached out and pulled me up a level. I believe he has. Later that afternoon, I went on Facebook to a person's page I don't routinely visit. When I saw the information on that page, it was like a dagger had been plunged into my heart. My first reaction was to start to break down. I put my head in my hands and started to cry. Then I stopped myself and started speaking out, "God is still in control. He is still God Almighty, His word is still true, His promises still stand. The circumstances don't change His faithfulness or what He's doing! Thank you God, that you are working in my life and that you are faithful to your word. You aren't a man that you should lie."

And I let it go. I gave it to Him, I spoke faith and His promises to my situation, and I let Him take it.  I still find myself having to fight against my mind trying to dwell on it,and I find myself trying to pick up that load again. But it isn't mine anymore, it belongs to Him.

"...for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day."

That night, I got into bed and started doing the devotions I hadn't done that morning. The first one was about running to God with our struggles and heartaches, and how He stills the doubts and fears, and gives us comfort and peace.

The next one, from Joyce Meyer, was about remaining steadfast and persevering. "...in the heat of our struggles, the Holy Spirit is probably doing His greatest work within us. He is not moved by the circumstances. If you and I really trust Him, we shouldn't be either!"

After that came a devotional by Annabel Gillham. Hers are always in my top two favorites. But that day's writing sounded as though I had written it.

"So my emotions very successfully "unraveled" my fairly nice day about 4:30 this afternoon. Oh, it wasn't a horrible accident or anything like that: it was a "heart" problem--and I don't mean that little organ that beats inside my chest. I mean something very close to me--something that I hold very dear--was chopped down to the ground. No. Chopping would be a slow process. This was more like a chain saw working--fast, ruthless, no prisoners. I really didn't have time to "practice what I teach"--it was okay one minute and the next my little world had a huge bomb explode sending shards everywhere."

I had to stop reading; I was crying and laughing at the same time. Oh God, you are so awesome! So incredibly awesome! It still amazes me when He speaks so clearly, and is so wonderful in the things He does! Those devotionals were not a coincidence. They were meant for me, for that day, as surely as I am breathing. The Lord couldn't have made it any more personal if He had put them on post-it notes and stuck them in my Bible. What a wonderful, loving Savior!

"They proclaimed a fast..."

So, I have been on a 21 day fast with the church. Oh no, I am not doing a complete fast. I chose to do a Daniel's fast. Vegetables, fruits, brown rice, and water. The first few days were a little tough because ...well, let's face it; I had been eating anything and everything with no holds barred, through the holidays. It was tough to get over the desire for meat, bread, dairy, and sweets. Surprisingly enough, the sweets were the easiest to do without. I believe it would have been easier to do a total, full fast. It is always easier to stay away from something than it is to exercise self-control!

After about 10 days, I felt God transitioning me into a half fast. I now only eat in the evening and that is still following the Daniel's fast guidelines. I have also felt called to extend the fast for 40 days, instead of the original 21. I wasn't sure until Wednesday night when the Pastor said he felt he needed to tell us that if some of us would extend the fast to 40 days we would see barriers broken. I have some barriers that need to be broken. I am hoping that after the 40 days, I will find they have come down like the walls of Jericho!

I have felt more sensitive to the Spirit's promptings. Many times He has pricked my conscious as I was doing devotions with the kids, reading, or listening to some teaching. It is humbling to be teaching your children about something and have to stop and ask forgiveness from them for that very thing. It is especially hard to apologize when they have done wrong and were being rebellious. Pride will try to keep you from doing it by saying they will think if you are taking blame, then they are off the hook, and that they have gotten by with something. I have decided that it's my job to do what I should, teach them what is right, be an example of repentance, and leave it to the Holy Spirit to work in them. Something I should have learned long ago. It would have saved a great deal of stress and grief throughout the years. Thank you Lord that I am finally learning it now.

I guess 'they' are right, it's never too late.

Blogging Revisited

Hello, again!

When I started this blogging experiment, I wasn't sure what I was doing and my mental state left much room for improvement. I'm thinking you picked up on that by my posts! Since it has been a while, I thought I would try again. Who knows? Maybe, I'll even get better at it.

Samuel Elijah
Zwakenberg

Much has changed in the year since I last posted. First off, my precious little grandson, Samuel Elijah, joined the ranks on February 26th. I have no doubts that God chose to use him and his cousin Elizabeth, as medicine to help heal my heart. And of course, as always, He knew exactly what He was doing! Babies have a healing power for me like nothing else. 

Next big event: the divorce was final August 3rd. I'm sure he thinks he freed himself of me that day. He is mistaken. It will surprise him when he realizes that he isn't free of me, I'm still there; deep inside of his heart. We became one in the eyes of God over thirty years ago and he can't undo that with documents. I am, and always will be, a permanant part of him; like the color of those beautiful eyes I love so much.

The year was difficult in many ways. All of my children and grandchildren lived with me most of the year. As much as I love having them around, having 14-16  of us, (depending on who else popped in) all in one house, was just not a good idea.

I know, you are wondering, how I can have a sense of humor about it? Well, it helps that I am now five months and another state down the road! Yes, that's right, I have moved. But that's another post.

Anyway, as the saying goes, "God never gives us more than we can handle."

         Though sometimes we might like to take issue with that,
                                                        when we are in the middle of the mess!


                                                                                                       stay tuned...

Thoughts of the Holidays

These next two months are going to be difficult ones. First is our anniversary, which is the 22nd. Thirty years. Thirty years ago I would never have believed that I would be alone now. You couldn't have convinced me that my husband would have walked out of my life and into someone else’s. I still cannot wrap my head around the whole thing.

Thanksgiving is coming up soon. His family always gets together and has their Christmas then. I will not be a part of it this year. Although I never felt accepted by most of his family, I have been a member of it for thirty years. Now, since he no longer wants me to be part of his life, I am no longer a part of his family. That means I have also lost a "mother-in-love", a woman I dearly love and respect.

My parents are shells of the people they were. Alzheimer's is a cruel disease that steals your loved ones and leaves living bodies without much of the soul left behind. I feel very much an orphan. Where do you go when you have no one left to turn to? Yes, I have my children, but they need me to be the strong one and the head of the family now. That position has been vacated and the family is floundering. I have not been in shape to lead anyone. My heart is broken and the loneliness is overwhelming. I have been struggling; trying not to drown in the hurt and anguish of the circumstances. That has to change.

Next month is Christmas. There is no joy and celebration felt in my heart. Nevertheless, life goes on and you live through what you don't feel you can withstand. We have no choice in that. We have a choice in how we live through it. Because of the changes God brought about in me I react differently these days. I am profoundly sad and lonely, but I am not filled with anger and bitterness. I am not curled up in a ball in bed and wanting to die. I am not non-functioning; low-functioning maybe, but I am not giving up. No, the old Trish is gone and the new heart God has given me has made me a different person.

I am forgiven and renewed! I will hold up my head because my Lord will lift it up. I will walk through each day in faith, because my Lord is faithful. I will cry for a few moments when I can't hold back the tears, and then I will lift my face to my Lord who will dry my tears. He walks with me each day so that I can put one foot in front of the other. I will continue to start and end each day in his presence. I will look for signs of hope and encouragement. I will try to remember how much I have to be thankful for, instead of only looking at the one thing I don’t have right now. Faith and love are actions, so I will be active and move through this season. I know that my Lord will bring joy into my life and make this time much more than I can see right now. I will make the effort to live and he will bless that effort like he did the fishes and loaves. He will take my weak attempts and, as he turned water into wine, he will turn it into something much better. And that is something well worth being thankful for!

Prayer

My prayer life has radically changed over the last several months. I've learned much. It has changed my relationship with my Lord....or maybe the change in my relationship taught me about prayer?

"Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name." Psalm 100:4

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4: 16

When we enter into prayer it should be with thanksgiving and praise. Recognize who He is, all that He has done, and thank and praise Him for it. Then you may draw nearer to the throne and pour out your heart to Him.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

Do not let fear and doubt hinder you. Do not let your circumstances control you. This is a lack of faith. Satan has come to steal, kill and destroy. He is the father of lies and confusion. He wants to steal, kill and destroy your love, your blessings, your faith, your marriage, your family, - your very soul.

In Hebrews chapter 10 and verse 38 it says:

"But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him."

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

It is impossible to please God without faith. You can start with the tiniest little bit of faith. As you use it, like a muscle it will increase in size and strength. The Bible tells us with faith as small a mustard seed we can move mountains into the sea! Believe in Him. Trust in His love and mercy that endures forever. He is faithful; you can count on Him. He is not a man that can lie to you. He is the Almighty God and Father that loves you and gave His Son for you. He cares about every little detail of your life. He knows your heart and your thoughts. He says to give Him our burdens and let Him carry them for us. Pour out your heart to Him like you would a girlfriend. But don't tell everything to your girlfriend. She may care about you, but she is not the King of the Universe. She can't change your situation. In fact, she may unintentionally lead you astray. If you need convincing, just look at Job and his friends. The only one that can truly help you is your Lord.

Sometimes the words just don't seem to come. We feel so much but can't seem to put words to what is going on inside. Or maybe you feel like you've said everything you know to say but it isn't enough. Our Lord understands us and has already made provision for this.

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." Romans 8: 26-27

Remember when the Lord was tempted by Satan? He didn't engage him in conversation but answered everything with scripture. Don't give Satan any attention or glory by engaging in conversation with him. Use the power of God's word. When you pray, pray scripture. When you do this you are speaking God's word over your own life and releasing the truth that God has already spoken! You are changing your thinking, which may be negative, and are renewing your mind with the word of God. You begin thinking in a powerful new way as the mind of Christ is being activated in you. You can have confidence and faith in your prayers because you are praying the words of the Father; you are in agreement with Him. "my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." Isaiah 5:11

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16–18

We must not give up praying. We must persevere in prayer, realizing that faith is always working towards what we ask for while we wait. Our timing isn't the same as God's. We feel like we have lost control when we are forced to wait on the Lord. Well, think about it. Are we really in control?  God is in control and we should be glad. He looks at the whole picture. He sees the end from the beginning. He looks at our prayers with His purpose for us in mind. Sometimes He tests our sincerity or refuses because of harm it could cause us. We may need to change something in our lives to ready ourselves for what He is about to do. Or it could be another person or situation that needs to be changed before He can answer. "For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." 1 John 3: 20

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8: 28

Luke 18:1-8 

The Parable of the Persistent Widow 

Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. He said: "In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, 'Grant me justice against my adversary.' 

"For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I don't fear God or care about men, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!' " 

And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"

Pray with joy and thanksgiving and praise. Pray with faith and persistence. Be patient and still in your spirit, knowing that He is God and is in control. Know that we are His children and He cares for us.

"Now then, stand still and see this great thing the LORD is about to do before your eyes!" 1 Samuel 12: 16

Anticipation

I don't know about you, but sometimes I have this feeling inside of anticipation. It's a feeling of the possibility that something significant is about to happen. God says in the Bible, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Is. 43: 18-19

We used to sing a praise song that said, "God will make a way where there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me. He will be my guide, hold me closely to His side. With love and strength for each new day, He will make a way, He will make a way. By a roadside in the wilderness He'll lead me. And rivers in the desert will I see. Heaven and earth will fade, but His word will still remain. He will do something new today."

My heart is encouraged because He has heard my prayers and listened to my cries. He has held me closely to His side and has given me love and strength for each day; otherwise, I could not have withstood the hurt and rejection, lonliness and fear that I have experienced over the last few months. But please, don't think I have this super faith or that I am strong. I am really quite weak. I have cried out to God in anguish and yes, even anger and bitterness. But the Lord is strong, and patient. He understands my human weaknesses; the pain and the sorrow in my heart. I feel safe to go to Him and pour it all out. I don't have to be eloquent or even make alot of sense! Thankfully, the Spirit speaks when we don't have the words to express what is in our hearts.

I feel so grateful that He loves us enough to put up with us. I understand better now how much our rejection of Him must wound His heart. I understand more about unconditional love as He has taught me to show this to my husband. Something good has come from this. Since "all things work together for good for them that love Him," I am sure more good is to come.

I feel a lull in the storm. It's like the clouds are starting to part. I am not saying the storm is over. On the contrary, I won't be surprised if there are still many dark storm clouds yet to pass, but I believe the worst of the storm is over. Or at the very least, something is changing. Now, I will be still in my spirit and know that He is God, and He is in control. What a relief! I am glad the past is in the past, and I am excited to see this "new thing" that is coming.
 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer. 29: 11

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way
By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today
From: http://www.musicbabylon.com/From: http://www.musicbabylon.com/

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way
By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today
From: http://www.musicbabylon.com/From: http://www.musicbabylon.com/